Hershey's Kisses; or Brown (?, ????)

WARNING: This post includes intense descriptions and images pertaining to sexual fetishes, which may not be suitable for many readers.

NOTE: I was unable to get direct images of this film because the disc that I got, unfortunately, does not work on my laptop, and since I don't have a suitable camera at the moment I had to take these pictures using my laptop camera pointed at my television. As a result, these images may appear blurry and will often have a reflection in view of the visuals.

I apologize in advance for what you're about to read.

So I acquired this bizarre little relic of unknown origin known simply as Hershey's Kisses (the alternate Brown title simply comes from the DVD menu, as you can see above). The title was created by artist Johnny Hellion as a means of giving some kind of label to this untitled oddity. The picture, as far as I can tell, is VERY underground. I would guess that less than fifty people have probably even seen it. It is a gay pornographic picture and scat film. However, what makes this one different is that nobody seems to know where it came from, who shot it, who the performers are, who possibly wrote it, where it was even made, or what its even called (if it even has a title). In fact, the main reason why I'm even writing about this "movie" is so that someone somewhere who may have seen it or knows what it is can possibly make their presence known and then put an end to this mysterious thing. As it stands, I feel like Naomi Watts in The Ring, or Nicholas Cage in 8MM. I have to know where this mysterious tape came from. If you're reading this and you recognize yourself in these pictures or something, don't be ashamed to let people know. I don't judge anyone, despite the crude manner in which I will soon describe the acts in this film. This will be written in a manner that is completely tongue-in-cheek and don't be offended by anything I say if you are one of the performers. If you were behind the making of this film, congratulations for making the grossest film I've ever seen. If you know what this is, where it came from, or where the footage is from or where you may have seen it before, don't keep it a secret, unless you have to. If this film was made by the mafia and I'm actually risking my life just talking about it, then I change my mind, I don't want to know where it came from anymore. 

So I put the disc into my DVD player and the above menu pops up. I hit play, and after some brief static it cuts to a very bizarre clip of a woman being viciously stabbed to death by a wrinkly, twisted face man with a platinum blond mohawk. 

It appears to take place in a colosseum of sorts, though its awfully strange that the people behind this footage chose to open it with a man brutally stabbing a woman to death. We hear nothing of the actual scene, all we hear is strange warbling music. We even get a close up of the guts.

Then we see him ripping her guts out of her stomach. This was the part that convinced me it was fake, thankfully. The gore effects look very old school, almost like an early 70s, late 60s film. However, the blond mohawk leads me to kind of believe it was shot in the 80s. I don't know if that makes me shallow.

We see her scream. Again, remember we hear nothing other than weird warbling music.

Followed by more gut ripping.

Then we see him rubbing the guts all over himself and his (mostly) naked body.

It then cuts to black. So before I got on, I must ask. What was that? Was that from a separate film altogether? Was it possibly from a short film? It almost reminded me of a Herschell Gordon Lewis production, from what I saw. The footage looked strangely familiar, but I have no honest idea where it came from. The actor who was doing the stabbing I'm at least fifty percent sure I've seen before. The woman, on the other hand, I have no clue. So only two minutes in, and we already have a mystery on our hands. That mystery was quickly forgotten, however, when, out of the darkness of my television screen, I get the jump scare of the century. A shot that makes me shudder just thinking about it.

My good friend who saw this film before I did said that he looks like a goblin. Yeah, I would agree. He looks like what Golum would look like if he wasn't made from CGI and if he somehow gained eighty pounds. This is the main character of this production. He acts almost as a narrator, but not the kind that narrates the film. No, he's like Justin Timberlake in Southland Tales. He starts off casually narrating the film, but then he gets in on the action. Just look at his face though. Are you ready to see him in action?

The strange creature monologues about "watching these guys" and asking us, the audience, "you have a friend?" before telling us to "smell his asshole". Before I can even begin to comprehend what he just said, we cut to this.

We then see the owner of said hands.

Alright, this hooded masked man is my favorite character. First of all, he's the only person in this film that made me laugh. Second, he's the most pleasant thing in the entire film. Seeing as how the first time we see him, he's picking up a piece of shit and smelling it, this shouldn't be a good sign for you poor readers who are going to be looking at some beyond hideous material in the next few minutes.

So this guy has a catchphrase. "Hot fuckin' shit". That may as well be the tagline for the film. It's the number one spoken phrase in the film. He starts out many of his speeches saying that. This speech in particular is a story he tells about him and a buddy of his going to San Francisco and how he got off to the sight of his buddy rolling and swimming in "six inches of pure dog shit". During this particular monologue, I could hear the sounds of police cars, very loudly, in the background, which leads me to believe that this was filmed in a back alley somewhere, perhaps in New York. Think about that, people of New York. While you were commuting and traveling around, this man was being filmed just a few feet away behind a wall somewhere, smelling shit.

And as he's telling this story...

...we slowly realize...

...that he's jacking off to his story. In between his story we get brief snippets of what's to come.

So, so far this film has had two genuinely scary sights in it, and both of them belong primarily to the bald headed goblin.

But nothing could have prepared me for the next sight, which would be the first of many to get my gag reflex going.

Now honestly look at that. Have you ever seen a more revolting looking rectum in your life? That doesn't look so good. That fecal matter looks like it's been caked on for a while! It looks like an animal's ass, that's how bad it is. This brief shot shows the goblin prying loose whatever lint or debris or fecal matter is stuck on it.

Then we cut back to my favorite character.

We continue watching this man jack off...

...and then he gets a little too excited and turns around...

...and squats down, preparing to defecate. Then we cut to a man, I'm guessing of Indian descent though he looks sort of like Javiar Bardem, who looks like nothing more than a victim to me.

This is not the face of a happy man.

So we see this man lie down on his back and spread his legs back as far as he can with the intention of getting his asshole eaten out.

Pretty typical scene for a gay porn. The difference with this one, however, is that the whole time he is farting very loudly, and we get to see close-ups of his farting asshole while this new character who we have not seen the face of digs his tongue inside.

This made me gag pretty hard, but what bothered me the most about it was how the fart receiver, as I call him, is getting more pleasure out of it than the guy doing the deed. You can tell the whole time, this guy does not want to be here. He doesn't say a single thing or make a single noise the entire time.

He is dead silent.

So then this mysterious man, who we've only seen the back of the head of thus far, pushes this guy's legs further down...

...and quickly plunges his dick inside of this guy's shitty asshole he just spent two minutes eating out.

This scene made my stomach lurch too because neither of them looked very well lubricated at all. I could almost hear the tearing of the flesh as they went at it. That's not pleasant to watch, but then the guy leans forward for a kiss...

...and that's when I discover that this mysterious new character has no face.

And of course, as expected from this kind of grotesque scenario...

...the guy pulls out and the receiver starts sucking away on the guy's dick.

And then we see this.

Then it cuts back to the goblin, who repeats the same monologue as he did before, talking about watching these guys and smelling his friends assholes like a dog.

This is when it cuts to this other guy's disgusting looking asshole.

What is going on there? It looks like a gaping bullet hole. Why would someone's asshole look that haggard?

Then it cuts to...guess who?

We then see a guy jacking off while the bullet holed guy is shitting all over his dick.

It's the least messy sex scene in the whole film.

Then we see the Indian guy getting eaten out again, only from another position.

Then we see him stand up and take a sort of bow.

Then we see some guy do this...

Immediately following that, we continue seeing the guy jacking off while getting shit on. We see that the defecator in question has a leaky cock.

Then we see our friend again!

Unfortunately, this time he doesn't say funny shit like he did previously. Instead, we see him starting to take a shit. His asshole looks strangely like a vagina.

So we see that starting to happen, but before the shit comes out too far, the film cuts to what I personally think is one of the grossest scenes of the film.

We see our bald headed buddy proceed to stick his fingers in this man's ass...

...pull out big long ropey pieces of shit...

...and decorate his throat with them.

and then we get to see our masked friend finish taking his vaginal shit.

Then we see the bald headed goblin creature dining down on the plate of shit that the darker skinned gentleman previously prepared for him. We see his bald head rubbing his shitty asshole.

Then we see the bald headed man with his throat decorations again, doing what he does best.

Then we see him going back to the dinner plate with the cup of piss, and we see him jacking off. This was when I noticed more traffic sounds going on in the background. This time, they were somewhat louder than then were before. HOW CLOSE TO CIVILIZATION ARE THESE MOTHER FUCKERS???

So then... well I think you can guess who it cuts to next. The most reliable thing this production has cut to thus far.

That's right! My favorite character! This time he's got something new to say! He talks about cigars, and how they make him want to shit real bad.

This time, during his heartfelt speech, the camera pans down to him jacking off instead of zooming out, giving us a good close-up of his shirt. If anyone recognizes the shirt below, if anyone recalls selling it to a man along with a possible mask, if anyone recalls having this shirt and has had it stolen and had a friend that they may have not heard from in a while who smoked cigars and spent a little too much time in the bathroom, please don't be afraid to speak out!

So we see him jacking off to his own shit.

This it cuts to the goblin again!

You know, it's kind of surprising how startling this guy's face is, even after you've seen it so many times. This guy still has the power to shock with just his face alone.

But this next shot made me jump even more!

So we watch this guy trying desperately to defecate this bloody, wet, runny shit while the film cuts back and forth from that to the goblin and then back.

This shot made me sick, mainly because it's probably one of the most painful looking shits I've ever seen, and trust me I've done a lot of babysitting.

I think I can see a worm in it.

One time, at work, I cleaned up a homeless man's shit he'd left on the floor in the bathroom. It had worms in it. I didn't even think it was possible for worms to survive inside of a person's stomach for that long. Obviously he had eaten something bad. I'm not kidding when I say that I could seriously smell this part.

Then we see the goblin rolling around on the ground, all excited and turned on. We see a creepy pair of blue shoes that he's wearing. Again, if anyone recognizes these blue shoes, had their blue shoes stolen, sold blue shoes to a bald creep, etc, please don't be afraid to speak up!

Look at this little charmer.

Then we get a new character!

He looks just like the black guy with the jockstrap in the William Friedkin film Cruising! Anyone know what that actor is doing these days? Anyone got any information?

So we get to see the black guy stand over the bald headed guy's face and...

...well...

...yeah...

...have you figured it out yet? Here's the answer.

He even teabags him! Pretty fancy!

Then guess what happens.

Well, what has the reoccurring theme of the film been?

Bingo! Only this time, there's a Midas touch to it.

This time his shit also twists in half.

So we get to see the bald headed guy chew on the black guy's golden feces for a few minutes.

As you can see, it's pretty fuckin' gross.

Actually, no. It's really gross.

So seriously, who are these people?

What do they do for a living?

Do they have families that love them?

Do they have children?

Do they have jobs?

Oh look a new character!

Well, I saw that coming a mile away.

Oh man, thank god. The masked guy is back again to break up the tension.

Alright, enough of him, lets go back to the ninth circle of hell.

Oh in case you haven't noticed, they shit on his crotch.

 Imagine turning a corner down an alleyway and witnessing this crazy stuff!

Oh yeah, then the guy starts eating out the new guy while the black guy pees on him again.

Then the new guy pees on him.

Then we cut to a new scene. The goblin is getting shit on by the new guy with really gross looking shit. His feces looks like shards of shit. Like, they break off of one another. How does someone achieve such disgusting consistency? What must his diet be like? It doesn't look too pleasant to shit out either. 

Oh by the way, the whole time this is happening the bald guy is fisting himself.

I'm not fucking joking.

More of this guy shitting his disgusting shards of shit.

Then we see this new guy is in make-up with what looks like pantyhose tied over his head getting pieces of shit shoved into his mouth.

And while they're doing this, they're fingering his throat and making him gag.

The pantyhose man doesn't look like he's having much fun either.

He sounds even worse though.

This guy gags a lot on this shit.

You can see his throat slime running down him mouth. I don't think he likes it if he's puking on it fellas.

Seriously, this guy doesn't even look human anymore.

In case you're wondering what the bald guy is up to, he's picking up little shards of the pantyhose guy's shit...

...and inserting them into his asshole.

I wonder if GG Allin had a hand in making this.

In wonder who inspired who here...

Oh yeah, more pee...

...which only makes the feces look more runny.

I didn't even notice the nipple clamps before.

And now, the scariest face in this film, thus far.

Back to the black guy, the bald guy, and the pantyhose guy. They circle jerk each other.

And then we see something that's sort of along the lines of snowballing. I think it's probably what really homophobic assholes think gay people do on a daily basis. I don't think I'll show you the swap shot though. It's a little too gross, even for this.

Actually never mind, it's not.

This is when the goblin most resembles what the goblins in Troll 2 look like. So he's now officially earned the title. Good for him.

We see a little S&M play...

...between the black guy and the pantyhosed guy...

and then we see the pantyhosed guy ejaculate into his hand.

It's hard to tell in these images, but his semen looks green.

and then the black guys pisses it all away.

Then we cut to...take a guess. Seriously, just take a guess. Here's a big hint!

THAT'S RIGHT! OUR MASKED BUDDY!

Then we cut to two of the most evil men I think I've ever seen, at least in porn.

Starts off harmlessly enough. The guy tweeks the guy's nipples...

...makes the guy suck him off...

...makes him deep throat him even...

...and then he blows his fuckin' nose into the guy's throat!!!

Most of what they do afterward isn't anything compared to that.

Nipple sucking? Come on! That's nothing!

Armpit sucking? Okay, so what? I can get a million guys to do that!

Yeah yeah, go on lick his boot. You already digested his snot.

Now this is when they top what they did before. This is the part of the film that made me gag the most, just to warn you. It's a scene I feel bad even showing to you guys, but I cannot possibly emphasize how disgusting this next sequence is. It is possibly the grossest thing I have ever seen that isn't real death. 

The guy shits through his underwear....

...and makes the guy suck out his shit through the soiled fabric.

He makes the victim open his mouth nice and wide afterward...

...allowing us to get a good look at his shitty mouth. This is not the worst part, just to warn you.

Okay, I'm seriously warning you, you do not want to read what happens next. I couldn't even put it into words without gagging. I had to show it. You do not want to see it. I'm not even fucking joking anymore. This is some seriously disgusting shit, and unless you're into this, I'm highly recommending that everyone just close this out and never look back. This is your warning!

Okay, this is your last warning! I'm not fucking around here! You DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

I warned you.

Bet you're wishing you heeded my warning.

Remember, these are real people.

They talk like we do.

They think like we do.

They read books.

They go to comedy shows.

They celebrate holidays.

They may even believe in a higher power.

They may even live next door to you.

They might've even filmed this next door to you.

You may have seen them. They may have seen you.

You will never know.

Never.

Remember that.

Hope you weren't planning on sleeping tonight.

Oh thank god!

A return to normalcy!

Or not.

Yeah, never mind...

Then it cuts to this shot.

We don't get any relief. Guess who rears their head again!

This is the dinner scene.

Yeah, stay in your corner.

So now we get to meet another new character. He's a guy who celebrates how sick he is. He talks about how he's the sickest man alive and how fucked up he is. Here he is in a room full of chains.

Then it randomly cuts to this black and white footage of him beating on this younger gentleman here.

Then we see this guy for a moment, doing his thing.

Then it cuts back to the self-proclaimed sickest man in the world.

And this is the part where he fucking proves it to us. Yes, that is blood.

Yes, he is fingering his own dick hole. Yes, he is fingering it all the way...

...and yes, the word FUCK is written on his fingers, and yes you have discovered my secret. Many of these screenshots are backward.

So then this is when the film gets weird. The film suddenly has a music score, and its the creepiest music score ever. It sounds like the soundtrack to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There are lots of chimes, lots of low rumbling noises, and lots of high pitched industrial sounds. It sounds simply horrible. I cannot imagine even people who get off to this finding this movie erotic. Every aspect of this production feels intentionally off-putting. We cut to a shot of a random man's eyes, looking longingly at something offscreen.

We see this mystery man putting on handcuffs.

Then we see his asshole.

We see a blowjob, which is pretty standard except that A) its in this movie and B) the music sounds like it belongs in Eraserhead.

Look at these shots. Can you picture this being set to music that sounds like it was recorded in the netherworld?

I don't think I've ever seen a pornographic film with music that was THIS out of place.

So then it cuts to another character.

It zooms up to his face. This is a pretty clear shot of this guy. Who is he? Someone's gotta know. When did he act? I'm not familiar with pornographic actors much. Is he well known? Has he passed away?

Here's another shot of him that this film feels the need to show to us.

We cut to an S&M scene. This part is even creepier than the blowjob scene we saw moments ago because this one not only has the creepy music, but...

...it randomly cuts to freeze framed shots like this.

So we'll be seeing this fairly standard S&M play, but...

...then this random frozen image with interrupt it. Imagine watching a random movie and then having it randomly cut to the frozen image below. That'd be weird in ANYTHING! Not just porn!

Then we get probably the nicest character in the film talking about how much he loves S&M and how he considers it to be a very loving act, and not at all hateful or cruel.

He seems quite sincere about it too.

Then we see someone pee into someone's mouth.

Then my heart started racing because we see this scary sick motherfucker again and I feared that we'd see him maybe cut off his own dick this time with a pair of mustache scissors.

It was here that I noticed his horrifying looking necklace. What is that, a rat claw???

Then we see this guy whipping someone.

Then it cuts to a black gentleman in a dark and dingy dungeon. He's jacking off.

We see this shot of his chest, heaving in and out.

Then suddenly he's got nipple clamps.

Then we see that he's got a fancy little yellow sex toy that he's anally pleasuring himself with.

We get a nice juicy close-up.

Then we see a close-up shot of his rectum.

Then we see this slowly coming out of it, and just as its about to peak through...

...STATIC.

...and then some static where a face is almost visible like a Stan Brakhage film...

...then more static...

...and it's finally over.

So what could I really say about it? It's the grossest movie I've ever seen that didn't feature real death. If there was anything I could compare it to, it'd probably be First Transmission. At least that film has some sort of origin, however. Hershey's Kisses deeply disturbed me simply because I don't know where the fuck any of it came from. It's one of the few things I've seen that I can say may have infected me with something. Like, I feel like I got crabs just from watching it. Mind you, I've seen a lot of nasty porn. The nastiest porn I've seen is usually straight porn, mainly because of how cruel a lot of the women are treated. I've seen some Asian porn where women shit on each other and eat maggots. There was something slightly more sinister about this one, however. The music, the editing, the setting, the sound design, the sex acts, everything about it seems so alien. It feels like it was shot on another planet. It looks as though it was filmed after an apocalypse of some sort. Like, perhaps this was filmed in the future and then somehow sent back in time to 2012. I can't even figure out when, exactly, it was filmed. It could have been shot in the 70s for all I know. Like, it feels like more than just a home movie. It feels like some kind of abstract experiment of some sort. This feels like the kind of film that would have played on the TV in Richard Stanley's Hardware. As a sort of reaction to this film, I've written a total of twelve haikus, in order to both collect my thoughts and possibly help some of you poor readers smile a little bit after what I've subjected you to.

Goblin tells us to
Smell on our best friend's asshole
Then he fists himself

Masked Man Says that he
and his friend like the dog shit
cigars make him shit

S&M is just
a form of kindness to him
not so cruel at all

hot fucking shit man
he says it with a big smile
and a shitty grin

the black man in shape
he bends over and shits down
on the dungeon troll

pantyhose face guy
he gags and he pukes on shit
that comes out in shards

begins with a stab
continues with fetishes
ends with gay BMs

Blow my nose into
the throat of a fat victim
whose mouth smells of shit

fisting myself hard
my neck is thin and lanky
but my ass is not

I'm a sick person
I'm fingering my dick hole
Want to fuck me now

Eat my shitty ass
jack off onto my asshole
keep your mask on tight

Underground Gay Porn
As a love story is still
Better than Twilight